My Unlikely Perfectionist Response to Everything Going Wrong
In my last post, I wrote about being a recovering perfectionist and how everything went wrong at my annual tea party. Why didn’t I respond with a total freakout session, anxiety, or stress? Why didn’t I just remake everything to ensure it was delicious and looked perfect?! After all, that would have been my normal reaction, my preference! There are three reasons why:
- I didn’t have enough ingredients! I literally counted how many sticks of butter, cream cheese, and eggs I needed and bought the exact amount! I burned through all 8 sticks of butter and 2 packages of cream cheese! Plus, I only had 1 tub of mascarpone! So, there was no going back, that just wasn’t an option!.
- I just did not have time!! I started prepping on Friday, then had to go to a family dinner. Stayed up until 3am cooking, and then woke up at 7am to start up again! There was so much to do, I just did not have time to redo anything!
- I was just too darn tired! I literally did not have the capacity or strength to care, throw a fit, or stress out! I just couldn’t do it! Too tired to freak out and too tired to attempt to do it again!
God is Breaking My Will
At the end of the day, I realized God was breaking my will. It’s interesting how God reveals the depths of his Truth to us. My husband participated in a discipleship class at church called, “Raising a Strong-Willed Child.” (We don’t have children, but he wants to know how to care for and discipline our future kids as well as the kids at church.) When I asked him what he learned week-to-week, he said the same thing, “Break the child’s will, not their spirit.” At the time, I had no idea what that meant. It honestly made no sense to me!
Then, all of a sudden, at the end of the tea party, I understood it. God was breaking my will. He was breaking my willpower and determination to do everything perfectly. And why does he need to break my willpower? Well, how can I pray, “let your will be done,” when I am so insistent on my own will?
How can I seek God’s will, when I am so hung up on my own will?
One of the ways he has been breaking my willpower is by making me juggle so many responsibilities. Because of everything I have going on, I just cannot do everything at the 100% level. Just the thought of failing or not doing something my best makes me feel a deep sense of dread. This really kills me and makes me want to stay in bed all day…but God wants to free me from that! He wants me to know that if all I can give is 50%, or better yet, not perfect is my 100%, then that is okay! Through my inadequacy, he will be made perfect! He will be glorified! God has been using all of these responsibilities in my life to discipline me and to break my resolve. Not to punish me, but to discipline me….to instill discipline in me!
‘Endure hardship as discipline; God is treating you as his children. For what children are not disciplined by their father? If you are not disciplined—and everyone undergoes discipline—then you are not legitimate, not true sons and daughters at all. Moreover, we have all had human fathers who disciplined us and we respected them for it. How much more should we submit to the Father of spirits and live! They disciplined us for a little while as they thought best; but God disciplines us for our good, in order that we may share in his holiness. No discipline seems pleasant at the time, but painful. Later on, however, it produces a harvest of righteousness and peace for those who have been trained by it. ‘ Hebrews 12:7-11.
The last few months and especially days have been overwhelming. But this verse reminds me that God loves me so much, as his own daughter, that he would go so far as to discipline me. If he didn’t love me, he wouldn’t care to discipline me. But he does care, so he disciplines me as his own child! And, he disciplines me with perfect wisdom. He knows exactly what I need to produce the right outcome. God disciplines us for our good, that we might share in his holiness.
Waiting to Fulfill His Purposes
In this season of waiting, I have been so eager to move on, to see what God has in store, and to accomplish the things God has purposed for me! “For we are God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” (Ephesians 2:10) BUT, in order to desire God’s will, he has to break my will, and that requires discipline! The discipline is painful, but it is what is necessary in order to conform me to his imagine, share in his holiness, and so i can do the work God has prepared in advance for me to do.
When you feel like you are suffering or being disciplined by God….:
- Do not lose heart!
- Know that God loves you! He considers you his own child.
- Do not take his discipline likely. Keep you eyes set on Jesus so you don’t miss what he is trying to teach you or work out in you.
Leave a comment and let me know, how has God disciplined you? Are you in a trying season in your life right now?
Thanks for visiting! Until next time!