My Personal Feelings on Infertility
In a previous post, I shared about how my husband and I have been dealing with infertility for over 2 years. Based off of our health history, there was nothing to suggest there would be difficulty conceiving. Initially, I thought we would definitely conceive in the first 6 months. Honestly, there are two main reasons that have caused heartache: 1.) dealing with doctors and insurance and 2.) the thought that my husband won’t ever get to have a baby. (He LOVES babies…he’s like a baby whisperer!)
When the doctor told us the sperm morphology (shape of the sperm) had 0% viable sperm…that was the first time the thought crossed my mind that maybe we won’t ever be able to have a baby. I mean, if there are 0% viable sperm…how are you going to make a baby?!
Certainty and Hope
BUT, at the same time, I have real assurance and hope because of God’s Word. Over the last few weeks, I shared how Sarah, Rachel, and Hannah also struggled with infertility and eventually conceived. There are some real Truths to take away about infertility. Because of these Truths, I can stand firm during this unpredictable season in my life.
- Babies come from God. He is the one who opens the womb.
- Yes, infertility and barrenness are a thing. God closes the womb (but He can still open it!).
- Babies are a gift from God.
- God hears your cry and prayers. He remembers you.
- Babies are conceived in due time – at just the right, certain, expected, appropriate time.
Oftentimes, we fool ourselves into thinking we earned certain things or we are the ones who are going to make a baby. Realistically, I am not the one making a baby, not really…GOD is the one who has to make the baby. So, there’s no pressure on me! I’m just the steward and recipient of the gift he gives. And thank GOD, he knows when is the best and most appropriate time for me to have a baby!
Another important Truth to consider when looking at the discouraging statistics… God is in the business of making something out of nothing! He spoke the earth into existence! Ex nihilio is the word used to describe the beginning of creation. It means out of nothing, God created something. Out of nothing… So, if God can create an entire universe out of nothing…surely he can make a baby, even if the shape of the sperm is not quite ideal!
Perspective – WHY Lord?! Why Infertility?!
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
so are my ways higher than your ways
and my thoughts than your thoughts.“For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven and do not return there but water the earth,making it bring forth and sprout, giving seed to the sower and bread to the eater,so shall my word be that goes out from my mouth; it shall not return to me empty,but it shall accomplish that which I purpose, and shall succeed in the thing for which I sent it. (Isaiah 55:8-11)
This is one of my all-time favorite passages because it reminds me how different my thinking is from God’s. It’s as far as the heavens are from the earth!! The thing is, God sees the big picture! He knows the plans for my life. He knows His purposes and how I fit into them. So, he knows exactly what needs to happen in order to conform me to his image and equip me to do his will. AND He will accomplish his purposes! He will succeed in carrying out his plans! Do I know what needs to happen and how? NO! Am I thinking about those things? NO! But, is God thinking about those things? In his divine wisdom, YES!! Yes, He is! So I can rest assured in His sovereign plan. Thank you, Jesus!
Here are some areas where God has changed my perspective on this season of infertility:
School
When my husband and I made the decision to start trying for a baby, it was because I thought it worked best for my timeline. I knew I was going to start a Ph.D. program in a year, and in my finite wisdom, I thought what made the most sense was to get pregnant and have a baby within that year! But that might have been a TERRIBLE idea!! I mean really, could you imagine if I had a newborn right before starting a 4 year Ph.D. program?! Maybe it would have been possible, but I trust that God knows what I can and cannot handle. From the beginning, I never approached the situation as Ph.D. OR baby. I am open to both! But, I cannot emphasize this enough – just because I’m open to it doesn’t mean I can handle it…and maybe there will be a time when I can handle it, but it wasn’t within the first year of my Ph.D. program. Actually, you have no idea how many times I praised God when my period came around. Oh, we were actively trying to make a baby! But when that time of the month came around, I would say, “Thank you, Jesus!! You know what I can handle! And LORD, I cannot imagine writing a 20 page paper with a crying baby right now! Lord, you know what I can and can’t handle! Thank you!!” I’m not even exaggerating. So many times, I prayed that prayer! And it doesn’t mean I didn’t want a baby. Mind you, we were still trying! But in God’s infinite wisdom and grace, we didn’t get pregnant right when we started trying.
Caring for the Orphans
God clearly says to care for the orphans. What if the reason why some women can’t have biological children is because there are orphans who need their loving care? That is definitely not out of the realm of possibilities because we KNOW God tells us to care for the orphans. Personally, I am very open to fostering and/or adopting. I worked in the child protection and foster care field for many years, and I know there are so many children who need a home. Also, God has given me a heart and the skills necessary to care for children who have been abused and neglected. However, my husband does not feel the same way. He wants his own biological child. My husband has literally said, “I’m not open to fostering or adopting unless the doctor says we can’t have children.” Seriously, hearing that breaks my heart – to hear my husband so resistant to something I care about, and something I know God cares about.
I challenged my husband by asking, what if it’s God’s plan for us to foster or adopt, and God knows the only way my husband will be open to it is if the doctor tells us we cannot have children? If that’s the case, then it makes total sense why we would be going through this journey of infertility, walking toward a diagnosis of some sort. And I fully believe God is capable of giving us bio children! I’m just saying, what if in God’s infinite wisdom…he knows what my husband needs in order to get on His plan?!
Finances and Scheduling
My husband is a first responder. Thankfully, he has a pretty straight-forward schedule now, but there have been periods of time when he wasn’t. I on the other hand am living that retail life. My schedule changes and I work late hours. Also, I work off of commission, so my paycheck is super unpredictable! As a result, my husband picked up an extra job. Needless to say, we are very tight financially and sometimes we are like ships passing in the night. Seriously, we have waved to each other as we entered/exited the neighborhood from separate cars… There were so many times over the last year when I said to my husband, “Oh my goodness, could you imagine if we had a baby right now?! Our life is already so crazy! Throw a baby in there?!” Again, God knows what we can and cannot handle. When the time comes, sure, we will make the necessary accommodations. But apparently, it wasn’t supposed to happen over the last 2 years!
Season of Preparation
I mean, I know people can make it work! I’m just saying that God, in his infinite wisdom knew it wasn’t the time for US to make it work. In so many ways, the past 2 years have been a season of waiting and preparation for me. Normally, I think of this season in regards to waiting on a job, or preparation for a future career. But, now I can see how the past few years have also been a time of preparation for the day when we WILL be a parents. God knows the skills, resources, qualities, and character we need to be good parents. I don’t know what those are! I mean, maybe I have an idea of the type of resources I want to give my future child, but do I really know the type of character I need for that future baby?! I don’t! It’s not even something I would think about! I’m not sitting around thinking, “One day, I may have a child whose love language is words of affirmation…let me practice that…” or “My future child will test all my patience, so let me learn to be patient…” or “I will have to balance WAY more priorities between a baby, school, work, business, and blog…so let me learn to develop perseverance and endurance.” Naturally, I don’t think of ANY of those things, but thankfully, God does! And he knows exactly how to prepare us and equip us for what’s ahead!
Final Thoughts
God is at work during this season of infertility and waiting. He knows the best time for me to have a baby and he knows what needs to happen before I get there. His wisdom is perfect, and he is faithful to accomplish his purposes. So, I can rest assured that at the right time, I will conceive. The last two years haven’t been a waste! God has been working in me and my husband to prepare us for what is to come!
Reflection
- Are you in a season of waiting? What are some ways God has been working on you? How might those characteristics prepare you for the future?
- God’s thoughts are not our thoughts, neither are his ways our ways? Think about a time when God’s ways and timing worked out way better than yours!
- Pray and ask God for clarity and perspective on this season in your life. He will give you the eyes to see and the open mind to consider some reasons why you are where you are.